I have realized that girls are all retarded and don’t know how to pick a guy to “go steady” with. That’s why after much thought I composed a list of all the dudes that I’d let bruise my cervix, if I had one.

Special Mention 2: Boba Fett

I would have put this guy in the top ten but I already had two people from Star Wars, and I would have even put Lando in here too, but Boba edged him out by being more bad ass. I mean Have you seen this guy in action? The guy was the basis for the entire Grand Army of the Republic!

 

He even looks pretty hot in that helmet of his. It’s kind of like a pair of shiny aviators where you can only see your reflection in so you’re never really sure if he’s looking at you, and since in my head when I’m a chick I have huge guns there are times I’m not even sure if he’s really looking at my face.

Special Mention 1: King Leonidas 

I had to put him on here because I saw 300 last Monday and it was the best fucking movie I’ve seen since Pan’s Labyrinth. I loved it, the guy is so bad ass, and he’s got abs. If I’ve learned anything from late night cable you need to have abs. Or call the Party Line.

 

Just watch the movie and you’llcompletely understand why he’s here. Anyone who can kill a bazillion dudes in a day would surely know how to treat a lady with respect!

10. Strongbad

Basically Strongbad is the epitome of the Albertan male, aside from not playing minor hockey and owning a truck. However he’s crass, he’s wrong about everything, and he always thinks he’s right! I know he enjoys “cold ones” a fair bit so if he really really really enjoyed them enough he could even be Ralph Klein.

 

He has stated his morals are up for sale and everything I wonder if the brothers Chaps used King Ralph as a basis for him? It doesn’t matter, because he’s so vile and surly that I love him.

9. The Jack guy from Big Trouble in Little China 

When I was a kid I fuicking loved this movie. Jack was played by Kurt Russel and I always thought he was the best actor ever because he was so cool in this movie. First off he drove a truck called “The Porkchop Express” and then he stabs an imortal Chginese guy in the head with a knife!

 

Have you ever done that? Yeah that’s what I thought. The best pat is even after he save the entire world from the clutches of the evil Lopan, he went back to drivin’ truck! That’s my kind of stud.

8. Johnny Fever 

The guy was a radio DJ with a cool moustache I don’t really need to go on do I?

7. Dig Dug

OK. There are few things in life more macho than digging a hole. But what if after you dug the whole you climbed down inside and not only hunted mosters, but you used an airpump which you shoved down their throats. Then pumped them up to the point the exploded! That’s right That’s what Dig Dug did!

 

Not only did he wear a really cool jumpsuit but he was also a concerned ecologist, cause those monsters he killed were trying to destroy the water table. That’s always been my assumption anyways. He’s the fore-runner of Captain Planet.

6. Soundwave

By far the coolest of the Transformers. The guy is a walkman so you know he has rythym and everytime I watch a shitty movie on BET the girls/stereotypes are always all about “brutha’s with rythum” I have no clue why, but it must be for some reason.

 

Plus he can’t speak english so I could always just ask confused when he tells me to do shit. I’d be all “Look asshole if you want me to do the laundry then you should tell me to do the laundry!”

 

Soundwave: “mmmm mmm uuuu mmmm uuuu mmmmmm”

 

Me: “Hey fuck you! All you ever do is go bowling and looking for energon cubes. Why don’t you go make something of yourself instead of taking orders from that asshole boss of yours Megatron!”

 

Soundwave: “mmmmmmmm uuuummmmmm mmmmmmm mmmmm mm uuuuuuu”

 

Me: “Whatever! The roof is leaking and you don’t even know your kids names! My mom was right about you mexicans! No initiative!”

5. Destro 

The right hand man of Cobra Comander and without a doubt the coolest guy on the whole fucking GI Joe cartoon. He wore a silver mask and kicke asses. Apparently he wore the mask due to a fmaily shame commited years ago in the middle ages and since then all the dudes in his family have worn masks. I think that’s pretty cool.

 

It gives him mystyque and since he’s probably loaded with baggage it’d be really easy to make him my man slave and get him to do all my bidding, like getting me a pony and stuff.

4. Darth Vader/ Anakin Skywalker

I know he had a good case for being number one on the list but he lost out for two reasons. As a woman I would need to get some ass every now and again and he’d be too busy out killing Jedi or looking for his son he had with that skank Amidala or whatever her name is. Plus he doesn’t have a dick anymore cause it was melted off in lava. Still I’m sure he could use the force to get me off or something.

 

Then there’s Anakin which bumped him down a few spots. Hayden Christensen (I can’t spell his name cause he is a fuck tard) was a horrible casting call by George “I ruin my movies” Lucas. I read that Ryan Philipe was the original choice but didn’t get along with Natalie Portman so he got the axe. Anyone who doubts Ryan Philipe rent The Way of the Gun. That guy can play a psycho with ease. He punches a chick in that movie.

 

That’s how I saw a young Anakin Skywalker acting, kind of a douchebag who always felt he was better than everyone. Not a whiny pussy who always shit his pants and complained about everything imagine him in a burger stand ordering a litre of cola.

 

“I’ll get a galactic burger, some proton fries and a litre of cola.”

“Just get a large Anakin.”

 

“I don’t want a large Anakin, I want a God damn litre of cola!”

3. V

Even if his wienber is probably burnt off to the point it looks like an outie belly button you couldn’t possibly wanna have this guy’s children. He’s so smart and always has the right thing to say. PLus his kids would be smart cause he’d make them read all the time and turn them into these bad ass awesome vigilantes.

 

And he can cook, that guy is all man!

2. Mayor McCheese

Politics and vaginas go together like France and surrendering. I have all kinds of friends that like Grimace and wanna bear his love child but I’ve always thought of Grimace as a deformed reatrded version of Barney the dinosaur. You know how in Twins Danny Devito is Arny’s idiot twin brother? That’s Grimace is to Barney. For Serious.

 

Mayor McCHeese is a freak in the sack and when blows his load it a big wad of McChicken sauce so you can’t get pregnant. But if him and his council members ever had a bukake party watch out, that’d be an easy way to gain a lot of weight.

1. Han Solo

Like you wouldn’t do him! He is the coolest man in history, he could even be an archeologist if he wanted, but he’s too busy flying through space and kicking asses. That’s what he does. Han Solo rules all including my vagina! I’d even let him shoot in my hair.

It occured to me the other day, as I read an article about Sesame Street’s DVD release, that the way things were was just fine. That’s kind of an ambiguous state, so allow me to elaborate. Sesame Street was in no need of re-working. There was never any negative connotation brotught about by any of the characters, or situations presented in the show.

 It was, as every rapper said in the nineties, “all good”. The dioll-wads over at whatever comapany is releasing it to DVD sure don’t think so, as they “re-worked” the show. What that means is, when you watch “classic Sesame Street” you will actually be watching a prettied up version of the orginal.

 Gone is the cantakerous Oscar the Grouch and in comes the sacharine Elmo. I wanna state right off the top that I think Elso is the fucking Anti-christ. He embodies all of what is evil in the world today, aside from biological weapons of course.

 

I’m serious when I say that. Elmo needs to be crucified for the sins of every soul-less corporate hack that jilts the shit out of creative thinking and replaces it with white picket fences and SUV driving soccer moms that can’t be bothered to give the courtesy wave.

First off. Elmo doesn’t even speak fucking english. He speaks cutesy jibberish, which is probably responsible for children not even bothering to learn our language.

“Elmo love you.”

It’s “Elmo loveS you”. You fucking half wit!

I could go on, but I won’t. The fact is I can appreciate what those faceless idiots are doing when they try to pretty things up. They want kids to maintain their innocence until their adults. However time has always taught us that if you hide the truth from people it ends up biting you in the ass.

I’m not saying that showing a seven year old undisclosed video footage of combat in Afaganistan, but I am saying that showing a kid a ficticious puppet that lives in a garbage can won’t give them emotional baggage. What’s the worst that could happen? They ask you, “mommy why does he live in a trash can?”

 Then you say, “because he never ate his vegetables, so stay in school and eat your carrots or you’ll end up living in a trash can too.” I use that as an example cause that’s the answer my dad gave me, and guess what? I don’t live in a fucking trash can!

So today I spoke to another class of kids. Wee kids. Little ones, grade niners. Ironically when I was in Grade nine I didn’t think of myself as wee, and when I was in grade seven kids in grade nine were immortal gods who donned armour crafted of the finest mythryl, forged in the armoury halls of nordic dwarves. They truly were a subspecies of immortality.

 

However now that I have breached the staggering heights of 5′9 I look down on them with years of book learnings.

 

In short I was at a school speaking for career day, and I felt like a mental giant. I’m not the smartest cat on the block but I like to think my ability to maintain a somewhat open mind to the world around me gives me a solid ground to speak to kids of the importance of sticking with your goals.

 

I don’t know how many of you know this, but it wasn’t in any way an easy path for me to get where I am. I got fired, I ate no name egg noodles, and even bought plenty of “juice mix powder” from the bulk bins at Superstore in order to have more to drink than tap water. Times were rough, and rougher still when my friends who all worked in trades had money to smoke mucho doob, and drive cars.

 

Still now I can say it was all worth it cause I like what I do, and I enjoy my lifestyle. That’s basically what I tell kids when I talk to them, “it was all worth it”. All of it, the stress, the chronic masturbation (brought about by female’s inability to date someone who can’t buy them more than a value menu cheeseburger, don’t fucking lie ladies, your vagina’s greed for cock and diamonds controls every facet of your mind), the constant walking, and the embarassment of being fucking broke all the time for four years was worth it to be where I am now.

 

I suddenly realized this morning while standing in front of thirty 14 and 15 year olds that some of these kids had ZERO consequence of what I was talking about. How fucking sad is that? Is that common? Is that the way things had always been? Is that the way things will always be?

 

It breaks my fucking heart. I try to be as hopeful as I can be, but it’s getting really fucking hard for me. I looked at the eyes of these kids and told them that integrity to yourself is really all you will ever have, that desire that nests deep in your head to be something more than your expected to be. To be the dark horse in the start of the race only to finish first. All of us have had them moment when you realized you’d win, be it a game of BINGO in grade two, or a spelling bee in grade five all of us have had a moment like that.

 

Don’t sit there and say, “no I haven’t” cause if that’s the first thought that comes to mind you’ve obviously spent too much time suckling on your television trusting it’s notion that a mere twenty dollar purchase can solve all your woes.

 

Integrity to yourself I said, “is to never let anyone or anything allow you to forget you’re always the dark horse in every race”.

 

I know I sound like a motivational speaker here, but there’s a reason I’m so disturbed by my day today. Some of the students were rowdy. It’s true, and there were times where it really was necessary to address their rudeness. I didn’t tell them to “shhhhh” I’m pretty sure they’d heard that enough times already. I talked to them about what they were discussing amongst themselves. I brought their corner gossip to the centre of the classroom, and joked with them.

 

I was generally impressed by the wit some of these kids had. They were actually kind of funny, in a rather purile manner of course, but inside I was chuckling. Mostly cause I am rather purile myself at times. It turns out a few of them were in a band, and that’s really what these kids cared about, so that’s what we spent the rest of the class talking about. Music.

 

I told them that every band that really did something, that really made a difference spent hours pouring through books desperately trying to find a way to see the world from a different perspective. I told them that in order to be a truly great musician they’d need to be able to see the world through an other set of eyes. Those were the building blocks of a truly timeless band. I asked them to name the most famous bands they could, and every one they named featured a tres eloquent front man.

 

I asked them if they wanted to be a flash in the pan band, or a band that made a mark on everyone that heard them. A band that wrote lyrics with deep seeded metaphoric tone, words that bounced endlessly through your head until you found layers of symbols that could give birth to a remarkable realization. The kind of band that would have fans coming up to them twenty years down the line and say, “Man that line you wrote changed my life, I saw the world entirely different after I heard your albums.”

 

When I told them the only thing they’d need to do in order to accomplish their goal was to read, it seemed like they were amazed.

 

Really? They asked.

 

What should I read?

 

Anything.

 

I had a great teacher in grade nine who taught me that English was more that a method of writing. She taught me that English was a way of communicating, and if you learn to use it properly you can litterally change the entire world around you. It would appear that far too few people realize this and as such “God help us, cause we are in a lot of trouble” - Howard Beale

Thank you Mrs Bluett.

 

These children weren’t so lucky, the teacher they were endowed with told me directly after class that the children I was talking to were smart asses who weren’t to be taken seriously. She proceeded to tell me their band was terrible because they were loud and screamed.

 

The vehemence that spewed forth from this woman’s mouth made me truly ill. Does she at all realize what she’s doing to these kids? She wasn’t educating, she was regulating, and if that’s what education has become then we truly are in a poor perdicament. The one person who is supposed to guarentee these kids believe that self integrity is the most important thing we have, has sold them up the river because they’re not playing the right kind of music.

 

You know why shit is peddled as truth across the media? You know why stores like Wal-Mart can put an entire town out of business? You know why wars that kill thousands and millions go on unabated every day?

 

Because the people that are supposed to tell us to read between the lines, are telling us to think and dream within them.