The stapler is a noble invention. Worthy of much more than merely adhereing two pages together. That’s why one day I realized that if only I could find a way to show everyone how versatile the stapler is then truly humanity would stand a much better chance of surviving our impending doom.

Remember these tips on alternative stapler use aren’t for the faint of heart so if at anytime you find yourself short of breath, turn off your computer and draw yourself a nice soothing bath. Maybe a snack could help so feel free to bringa toaster into the bath with you and make some toast.

By the way if you’re stupid enough to actually do that you probably shouldn’t be alive anyway. Your poor combination of genes is doing nothing but hastening armageddon.

So here for the benefit of humanity I present the greats list of ten alternative uses for staplers.

10. Birth Control

Did you know that with a few short and quick thrusts you can easily stape a vagina closed and thereby halt any and all sexual activity? Think of it was a modern day alternative of a chastity belt.

If I whipped off some girls pants and saw a bunch of staples down there I wouldn’t wanna sleep with her anyways, what kind of weirdo staples their vagina?

9. Time Travel

In the directors cut of back to the future Doc Brown actually admits to stealing a staplers from Iranian Terrorists and that’s why he was being chased. Iranian Staples are known for their supernatural properties. Which he took full advantage of in his time traveling ass car.

I sometimes eat Iranian Staples and listen to Pink Floyd. Very intense stuff.

8. Surfing

 If enough staplers are stapled together it’s very easy to make your own super bad ass surf board. Imagine all the hot babes you’d get with a “boss ride” like that.

Maybe if you showed off enough of your “swingline” style you could land your own reality show where you make out with dumb American girls and then act all emotional.

7. Fighting Ninjas

Ever seen a ninja beat up a dude with a stapler? No. There’s a reason for that. Ninjas have an inate fear of staples. I saw it on a documentary called, “Shinobi: Inside the Game”

While researching for the movie the games creators discovered ancient texts where ninjas were once used as slaves in offices. They have always resented their past and are terrified of staplers.

They also discovered that being good at video games seldom gets you laid.

6. Picking Up Babes

We all know that a sweet stapler will get you the hot chicks. Seriously Bill gates has a pimpin swingline and he bags many hos. He is also the richest man on the planet, and that always helps . . . with getting pimped staplers.

5. Fixing Your Car

The other day a friend of mine was fixing their car and instead of using a wrench to tighten some bolts he used a stapler. Seriously, I am not making this up.

I didn’t know this but ever single part of a Ford Model T was designed to be fixed with a Stapler. Apparently Henry Ford was a big fan of staple technology and based the Model T of his favourite brand. Need proof:

now look at the stapler:

I believe I made my point.

4. Animal Feed

Right now we’re always dealing with problems when it comes to the quality of the food we eat. If cows were fed staples I’m pretty sure that whole “Mad Cow” thing would die off. Not to mention Bird flu?

 When’s the last time you heard of a chicken full of staples getting bird flu? Exactly.

3. Medicine

Last week I had a horrible cold. I was sick and gross. My nose was dripping like the penis of anyone who’s had sex with Paris Hilton. In fact I was so sick I had to call in sick for work.

The thing was I wasn’t eating enough staples. I even talked to my doctor, and you know what she said? Get some rest. Of course I was so sick and out of it I assumed she meant sleep.

But now that I think about it I realize she meant Rest Brand staples. Man I’m such a moron!

2. Toys for Children

Little kids are all kind of stupid. I mean have you seen the crap they play with? Basically the only thing you’d need to do to a stapler to amke it appeal to children is tell them it’s from Japan and has a cartoon the will give them a seizure.

So I gues a little change we could do to properly market them is call them Staplernoruchizen. You no just take the word Stapler and add a bunch of letters to the end.

1. Dildo

I actually saw this once. And they were using a heavy duty stapler too. It was gross. I can just imagine the kind of woman who would use this.