Last night marked the return of the greatest television sensation since the invention of theremote control! American Gladiators!

Sure the show was marred by the injury of the guy who once starred in gay porn, but whats better than watching a small be-spectacled man get punched in the face by a seven foot tall goliath that claims to be human? 

Well, maybe this picture.

It is the greatest image your eyes will ever behold. Do not argue. It’s science.

The woman and I snuggled up on the couch like the average elderly Albertan couple do, when Ralph Klein will be featured on the news. Only we weren’t hoping to see someone take rights away from gay people, we were hoping to see overly-straight men pretend not to be gay!

It’s kind of like watching professional hockey players snuggle, only with less STDs.

So the show starts out with hulk Hogan rising from a hole in the ground with lights and smoke everywhere, I felt as though I was watching the earth give birth to a well tanned baby with a skullet, and the hugest arm veins in history. Yes, let me assure you it was awe-inspiring. If Botticelli were alive today he would have painted hulk hogan on a seashell, not that skank venus.

I try not compare myself to people. Especially not Hulk Hogan, cause that guy rules! To be honest, I bet is ex-wife would argue that. I’m sure she has a point, but when I was a kid I had the Hulk Hogan work out set, and I listned to his tape that came with it every single day when I did my faggy little work out routine in my room. (I was usually sent to my room for being a mouthy kid, and would try to excersize so I’d get strong and . . . come to think of it I just figured being strong would just help me get away with stuff . . . maybe I was just being sent to my room for being a moron)

That tape used to tell you to listen to your parents, always be nice to people, and always remember “the big brother upstairs” was always watching you, so be a good person. You can’t argue with that,  I mean that guy even said not eat junk food. He instilled me with a love of fine cuisine! 

 But as I watched the Hulk I really began to feel as though I’d let the Hulkster down. I’ve allowed myself to become weak and flabby like a latter day Brother Love. 

It is therefore my pleasure to announce I shall hit “le Gym”. (French for “the gym) I shall keep you updated on my progress. Or as I call it, “my decent into humanity”!