Life is full of conflict. Everywhere you turn people vie for supremacy. Be it a nerdy conflict or a legitimate conflict involving differing standards of morality and religious law. All are to be respected and mediated in an appropriate manner, and by appropriate I mean my opinion shall overturn any decision.

That is why in an effort to help you in you daily lives, I offer you you the solutions to five horriffic conflicts that affect us all on a daily basis.

5 - Shower or Bath

There are many factors that can make this decision obvious. First off if you’re gay, take a bath. This will make it easier to employ bath salts and candles, have you ever tried lighting a candle in the shower. It isn’t easy. I once tried to smoke a doober in the shower and it didn’t work very well at all.

However my observation of gay people tends to be that they enjoy being clean, not like we don’t all like being clean, but have you ever seen a rigger? Those guys always look dirty. Dirty like the girls that fuck them! ha ha ha ha ha nevermind, I would like to say that joke was inspired by the Union Hall.

But about the clean thing, it’s easier to stay clean when you shower and it is better for the environment. So with those factors in mind.

Always shower.

4 - Corn Flakes or Oatmeal

Unless you’re a character in a Charles Dickens novel, or one of those fake tanned juice pig douches that needs “MORE PROTIEN!” all the fucking time eat some corn flakes.

They’re easier to make and they have a rooster on the box. You know why they chose a rooster instead of lame athlete that throws a ball really fast or something.

Cause roosters have been known to kill athletes in their sleep. Seriously if your kid plays hockey don’t surprisaed if you go in there one night and find a rooster holding a pillow on their face.

Fucking roosters.

3 - Darth Vader or Aragorn

I know we’ve all been sitting around in our speedo’s and wondered who would swin in a fight. Aragorn from Lord of the Rings

or Darth Vader?

The thing is it’s an obvious choice because Darth Vader is a Sith Lord and will just use to Force to starngle Aragorn before he even whips out his bad ass elven sword.

However we should take a second to remember the fact that Aragorn is a friend of the elves and kind of related to them, it’s in the Silmarillion OK, but it’s for that reason you shouldn’t be surprised if he has some sort of enchanted ass plug that prevents Jedi and Sith from using the Force.

In which case Darth Vader would have to use his lightsaber and do battle with Aaragorn. Now you may be inclined to think that a lightsaber would hack through any sword.

You’d be right. That’s why Vader wins.

VADER ALWAYS WINS!

2 - CNN or FoxNews

It all depends on how much you read, and how inane you prefer your news to be. If you prefer to be told “how to think” rather than “what’s happening” maybe you should try CNN. If you’ve had a labotamy or enjoy watching horrific attempts at journalism with an “American Flag Waving Flair” then FoxNews is your cup of tea.

In all honesty both are equally moronic it’s just which flavour moronic you prefer. There’s is after all much to choose from.

If you enjoy vespid angry women take good old Nancy Grace on CNN she’s always talking about minorities and what bad parents they are, plus if there’s ever a case where a blonde white girl goes missing after being a whore at bar you can expect her to keep talking about it for months and months and months . . . “It’s day 468 of the Natalie Hollaway investigation, and apprently someone found a shoe that could belong to her.”

If you don’t know who natalie Hollaway is you obviously don’t watch enough Nancy Grace. After all she was still reporting on it over a year later. If you’re not white an d blonde feel free to give it a whirl (being white and blonde) it makes it easier to get on the news when you’re abducted.

1 - Reading or Buying a Dooley

For those who don’t know, a dooley is a truck with four tires instead of two. Here:

There you go. Now you’re probably wondering what these two have to do with each other, but after talking with some of the people that showed up to Paul Brown’s Record Breaker - The Rig Rocket (basically a bunch of guys that think having a big truck will cure their impotence, trying to win the praise of the equally inept for having the biggest tackiest and least economical vehicle) I have realized that clearly if you have a rig rocket you don’t read.

After all according to most of them, reading is for fags.

Seriously, please choose reading. Reading isn’t just for fags, it’s for everyone.