Archive for February, 2008

Staplers Are Versatile - 10 Alternative Uses for Staplers

The stapler is a noble invention. Worthy of much more than merely adhereing two pages together. That’s why one day I realized that if only I could find a way to show everyone how versatile the stapler is then truly humanity would stand a much better chance of surviving our impending doom.

Remember these tips on alternative stapler use aren’t for the faint of heart so if at anytime you find yourself short of breath, turn off your computer and draw yourself a nice soothing bath. Maybe a snack could help so feel free to bringa toaster into the bath with you and make some toast.

By the way if you’re stupid enough to actually do that you probably shouldn’t be alive anyway. Your poor combination of genes is doing nothing but hastening armageddon.

So here for the benefit of humanity I present the greats list of ten alternative uses for staplers.

10. Birth Control

Did you know that with a few short and quick thrusts you can easily stape a vagina closed and thereby halt any and all sexual activity? Think of it was a modern day alternative of a chastity belt.

If I whipped off some girls pants and saw a bunch of staples down there I wouldn’t wanna sleep with her anyways, what kind of weirdo staples their vagina?

9. Time Travel

In the directors cut of back to the future Doc Brown actually admits to stealing a staplers from Iranian Terrorists and that’s why he was being chased. Iranian Staples are known for their supernatural properties. Which he took full advantage of in his time traveling ass car.

I sometimes eat Iranian Staples and listen to Pink Floyd. Very intense stuff.

8. Surfing

 If enough staplers are stapled together it’s very easy to make your own super bad ass surf board. Imagine all the hot babes you’d get with a “boss ride” like that.

Maybe if you showed off enough of your “swingline” style you could land your own reality show where you make out with dumb American girls and then act all emotional.

7. Fighting Ninjas

Ever seen a ninja beat up a dude with a stapler? No. There’s a reason for that. Ninjas have an inate fear of staples. I saw it on a documentary called, “Shinobi: Inside the Game”

While researching for the movie the games creators discovered ancient texts where ninjas were once used as slaves in offices. They have always resented their past and are terrified of staplers.

They also discovered that being good at video games seldom gets you laid.

6. Picking Up Babes

We all know that a sweet stapler will get you the hot chicks. Seriously Bill gates has a pimpin swingline and he bags many hos. He is also the richest man on the planet, and that always helps . . . with getting pimped staplers.

5. Fixing Your Car

The other day a friend of mine was fixing their car and instead of using a wrench to tighten some bolts he used a stapler. Seriously, I am not making this up.

I didn’t know this but ever single part of a Ford Model T was designed to be fixed with a Stapler. Apparently Henry Ford was a big fan of staple technology and based the Model T of his favourite brand. Need proof:

now look at the stapler:

I believe I made my point.

4. Animal Feed

Right now we’re always dealing with problems when it comes to the quality of the food we eat. If cows were fed staples I’m pretty sure that whole “Mad Cow” thing would die off. Not to mention Bird flu?

 When’s the last time you heard of a chicken full of staples getting bird flu? Exactly.

3. Medicine

Last week I had a horrible cold. I was sick and gross. My nose was dripping like the penis of anyone who’s had sex with Paris Hilton. In fact I was so sick I had to call in sick for work.

The thing was I wasn’t eating enough staples. I even talked to my doctor, and you know what she said? Get some rest. Of course I was so sick and out of it I assumed she meant sleep.

But now that I think about it I realize she meant Rest Brand staples. Man I’m such a moron!

2. Toys for Children

Little kids are all kind of stupid. I mean have you seen the crap they play with? Basically the only thing you’d need to do to a stapler to amke it appeal to children is tell them it’s from Japan and has a cartoon the will give them a seizure.

So I gues a little change we could do to properly market them is call them Staplernoruchizen. You no just take the word Stapler and add a bunch of letters to the end.

1. Dildo

I actually saw this once. And they were using a heavy duty stapler too. It was gross. I can just imagine the kind of woman who would use this.

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Whyte Ave is Full of Assclowns

I don’t go to Whyte ave. Well I do during the day if I’m going to dadeo’s or something like that. But unless I’m going for work I won’t go at night. Why? I have an alergic reaction to douchebags. When I’m near a douchebag my immune system causes me to become rather irate. I get annoyed and find it difficult not to urinate on their shoes.

Behaviour like this isn’t good, cause it can:

a) get your ass kicked

b) make a mess and get on your own shoes

c) get you a ticket from the cops for indecent exposure

The other night one of my friends had an altercation on Whyte Ave in a bar witha major douche. I won’t mention what bar it is cause we do a lot of business there through the radio station, but what I will mention is how important bar security is and how brutal the security there is.

My buddy Deener saw a girl on the verge of being raped in the middle of the bar. The guy was dragging her off into the corner and trying to do who knows what to her. Bear in mind this is INSIDE the bar and there is no security anyhwere. So Deener steps in and drags the girl away. Fortunatly the guy didn’t freak out off the bat and shank anyone, but don’t worry. We’ll get to people bringing knives into the bar later on.

The night moved on and this guy (who by the way was wearing a wolf shirt . . . yes a shirt with a wolf on it) came over to Deener and the group she was with and started trying to fight everyone. You know the guy, he didn’t get laid and so now he’s bent on trying to fight every person in the bar so that everyone else can feel as annoyed as he does.

Fortunately none of the poeple with my dear buddy Deener are prone to fisticuffs. They use an ancient technique known as “talking” to solve their problems. In fact “talking your problems over” as the habbit is known is a great way of solving conflicts without hurting each other, you might remember this from when you were a child and you did something wrong. Remember how your dad didn’t punch you in the face when you didn’t know how to tie your shoe? See that’s because punching you in the fact wouoldn’t have helped the situation.

However in some sort of strange way this guy felt that fighting a bunch of people trying to have a good night would increase his odds of getting his penis inside of a vagina.  I really don’t see the logic train on this one, but who needs logic when you’re high on blow and wanting to punch someone?

So no one wanted to fight the guy, and you’d think everything was gonna be peachy keen, however that’s just not the case. Ya see in outer space two objects will naturally attract themselves to each other. Assholes in a bar are no different. They tend to attarct other assholes. This time it happened to be a lovely gentleman with a knife. It’s not enough that he snuck a knife into the bar. But he felt the need to declare it Deener and her friends, then ask one of them if they, “wanted to die”.

Yeah he threatened to stab them. Since he was extra tough he grabbed the smallest guy in the group by the throat and tried to drag him out to the dance floor to insert c’est knife into his stomach.  Fortunately the group opted to grab their friend and leave.

At this point the guy with the knife, or as we shall call him from now on “Captain Stabby” decided to follow them to the coatcheck. Ya see he stood there just waiting for them to leave so he could take his desire to proove how macho he was outside.

Now you would think at one point in all this security would have gotten involved and doen something, but that’s just not the case. Nothing was done. So Deener and company just went to the car so they could just go home, having had their evening ruined by a guy who probably didn’t eat enough vegetables as a child. However when they got to the car they realized they were one short. Namely the wee-est member of the group who was almost drug onto the dancefloor and stabbed.

Naturally there was a bit of tension in the car until they saw him running towards the car. The door was opend and he said, “let’s get the fuck out of here.”

It turned out captain Stabby had followed him outside and began chasing him with his knife. This was happening ON Whyte Ave. The guy schased him into an alley with his knife in hand. Fortunatley our wee friend was fleet of foot and able to get away and criss cross through various alleys until he found his way back to the car.

See I stay away from Whyte becasue of stories like these. Stories that you won’t see in the newspaper. Stories that happen every single night on Whyte ave. Fortunately for me I don’t have to worry about Saturdays cause I’m always at Union Hall. I work there on Saturdays, and stuff like this never happens there. I’ve been working there for three years and the  worst thing I’ve ever seen was a woman who looked pregnant in the wet t.

So if you want to avoid getting shanked by a douchbag on Whyte come to 99th and Argyle.

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