I haven’t been writing much as of late. I’ve been spending too much time on my couch killing prostitues and stealing cars. Yes; I am a victim of GTA4. It has stormed into my house, and hit the yellow button, thereby throwing me off my couch and sending me cascading into a timeless void, where all day I feel inclined to murder mobsters of varying stereotypical ethnic backgrounds. It’s fun.

Now you may be wondering why I would rather play video games than write stuff on my website. Well it’s pretty simple. Whene was the last time YOU gave me any money? Never. Unless you’re my mom. Since my mom has difficulty doing anything but check e-mail and play spider solitaire I sincerely doubt you’re her. (on the slim chance you ARE my mother, ahem . . . you’re the best with computers mom! remember when you hacked into NORAD and convinced Reagan that the world was being sent into nuclear armageddon? Ha Ha Ha those were good times.)

Well for your information I’ve made just under four hundred grand in the last month! That’s right I have proffitted close to four hundred grand in the last four weeks! That’s close to a hundred grand a week. Of course the money I make playing video games doesn’t really exist, but don’t tell that to the hookers I’ve been doing all week.

Do you wanna know how much I made last week from my “real” job? Well let me tell you, a lot less than that. Less than 1% of that. I tried convincing my girlfriend that she should just work while I stay at home and “regulate”. See there was a very hip rap fellow from the early ninties called Warren G. He did a song called “regulate” where not only does he sample a clip from Young Guns, but he also lays down some sweet rhymes on a fly beat. Needless to say she didn’t see the awesomeness in my plan. I even drew a sweet spider graph and everything but she didn’t budge on the topic.

Regulating is what I do for a living now. That song is my theme song when I walk into the living room. Am I gonna be killing a Russian mobster for being unneedingly cruel to my good friend Badman? I dunno! That’s the exciting part. Some times I just drive over people taking a stroll through “middle park”. Some might call this cruel, but I have it on a good source that most people in Liberty City are pedaphiles.

The other day I stole a helicopter and sat on top of a roof shooting hot dog vendors with a sniper rifle. I was only keeping people from eating junk food! Does this make me a bad person? No! I’m trying to make the world a better place! Well the world I care about. My fantasy video game world where I don’t have to pay taxes or bathe. Do you think I’d waste my time helping gross homeless people or anything? Ewwwwwww

So I tell you what. I’ll make an effort to pay more attention to my webiste provided you let me steal your car and drive over you a few times. Do we have a deal?

Life is full of conflict. Everywhere you turn people vie for supremacy. Be it a nerdy conflict or a legitimate conflict involving differing standards of morality and religious law. All are to be respected and mediated in an appropriate manner, and by appropriate I mean my opinion shall overturn any decision.

That is why in an effort to help you in you daily lives, I offer you you the solutions to five horriffic conflicts that affect us all on a daily basis.

5 - Shower or Bath

There are many factors that can make this decision obvious. First off if you’re gay, take a bath. This will make it easier to employ bath salts and candles, have you ever tried lighting a candle in the shower. It isn’t easy. I once tried to smoke a doober in the shower and it didn’t work very well at all.

However my observation of gay people tends to be that they enjoy being clean, not like we don’t all like being clean, but have you ever seen a rigger? Those guys always look dirty. Dirty like the girls that fuck them! ha ha ha ha ha nevermind, I would like to say that joke was inspired by the Union Hall.

But about the clean thing, it’s easier to stay clean when you shower and it is better for the environment. So with those factors in mind.

Always shower.

4 - Corn Flakes or Oatmeal

Unless you’re a character in a Charles Dickens novel, or one of those fake tanned juice pig douches that needs “MORE PROTIEN!” all the fucking time eat some corn flakes.

They’re easier to make and they have a rooster on the box. You know why they chose a rooster instead of lame athlete that throws a ball really fast or something.

Cause roosters have been known to kill athletes in their sleep. Seriously if your kid plays hockey don’t surprisaed if you go in there one night and find a rooster holding a pillow on their face.

Fucking roosters.

3 - Darth Vader or Aragorn

I know we’ve all been sitting around in our speedo’s and wondered who would swin in a fight. Aragorn from Lord of the Rings

or Darth Vader?

The thing is it’s an obvious choice because Darth Vader is a Sith Lord and will just use to Force to starngle Aragorn before he even whips out his bad ass elven sword.

However we should take a second to remember the fact that Aragorn is a friend of the elves and kind of related to them, it’s in the Silmarillion OK, but it’s for that reason you shouldn’t be surprised if he has some sort of enchanted ass plug that prevents Jedi and Sith from using the Force.

In which case Darth Vader would have to use his lightsaber and do battle with Aaragorn. Now you may be inclined to think that a lightsaber would hack through any sword.

You’d be right. That’s why Vader wins.

VADER ALWAYS WINS!

2 - CNN or FoxNews

It all depends on how much you read, and how inane you prefer your news to be. If you prefer to be told “how to think” rather than “what’s happening” maybe you should try CNN. If you’ve had a labotamy or enjoy watching horrific attempts at journalism with an “American Flag Waving Flair” then FoxNews is your cup of tea.

In all honesty both are equally moronic it’s just which flavour moronic you prefer. There’s is after all much to choose from.

If you enjoy vespid angry women take good old Nancy Grace on CNN she’s always talking about minorities and what bad parents they are, plus if there’s ever a case where a blonde white girl goes missing after being a whore at bar you can expect her to keep talking about it for months and months and months . . . “It’s day 468 of the Natalie Hollaway investigation, and apprently someone found a shoe that could belong to her.”

If you don’t know who natalie Hollaway is you obviously don’t watch enough Nancy Grace. After all she was still reporting on it over a year later. If you’re not white an d blonde feel free to give it a whirl (being white and blonde) it makes it easier to get on the news when you’re abducted.

1 - Reading or Buying a Dooley

For those who don’t know, a dooley is a truck with four tires instead of two. Here:

There you go. Now you’re probably wondering what these two have to do with each other, but after talking with some of the people that showed up to Paul Brown’s Record Breaker - The Rig Rocket (basically a bunch of guys that think having a big truck will cure their impotence, trying to win the praise of the equally inept for having the biggest tackiest and least economical vehicle) I have realized that clearly if you have a rig rocket you don’t read.

After all according to most of them, reading is for fags.

Seriously, please choose reading. Reading isn’t just for fags, it’s for everyone.

I have to say that all my life I’ve always thought of Burton Cummings as the epitome of a victim of cocain. This guy was in the Guess Who they got banned from the Whitehouse. That’s bad ass, not even Keith Richards was banned from the Whitehouse! Then he goes on to write a littany of the worst trash that has ever graced the airwaves!

Stand Tall? Shut up Burton Cummings! You sicken me! Your sweet stache however earns my respect.

Honorable Mention 1 - Bow