Luigi

Mario’s skinny often overlooked brother. Everyone kind of looks at Luigi as the sidekick, and I don’t understand why. In the cartoon we realize that it was Mario’s fault they ended up in mushroom land in the first place. Had they listened to Luigi they would have stayed in new york delighting family and friends with their subpar plumbing skills and knack for finding illusive pipes that lead to magical kingdoms.

Using my keen understanding of math and physics I calculated that had they only waited another four months they would have found the pipe that lead to the Magical Kingdom of STD free bikini models. It’s wonderful place where not only do all the women constantly groom each other in a erotic fashion but they also remember to take their birth control pills! Hurray!

Plus does anyone know what happend to Mario and Luigi’s mother? Well after they spent all that time in the Mushroom Kingdom their mother was abducted by a Philipino Mobster known as Marcello “Small Dick” Santos and she know works as a prostitute in New Jersey!

Brian Fantana 

The official lady killer of Anchorman known also as “The Bri-Man”. The stylish one of the group, with penache for Sex Panther cologne. He didn’t get with one chick the entire movie! I found that kind of frustrating considering all the purely macho things he did in that ninety minute epic.

1) Called a panda jerk. All women should be impressed by men taunting animals at zoo’s.

2) Played with a gun. Obviously showing women around him . . . “hey I enjoy fire arms”

3) Had a moustache. You know who else had a moustache? Jesus . . . for the record Jesus also had a beard.

4) Said, “I am very aroused.” Uh hello ladies he is aroused, it is your duty to please him. Need I refer to the panda incident again?

John Redcorn

Here is a guy who to me embodies the first nation. He’s humble, smart, and is surrounded by a bunch of stupid white people. The character is kind of a metaphor for what it must have been like for the average Native person about three hundred years ago. Minus them hunting him for sport and giving him blankets infected with disease.

He has a son that doesn’t know he’s his father. The woman he has been having a relationship with for years is married to the archtypical American right wing nut job. He dominates every sports team in town, and even runs a homeopathic medical clinic with aroma therapy and massage therapy. Yet he still lives in a trailer on the outskirts of town.

Robin

Alright, if you fight crime for a living then there is no excuse for people making fun of you. Think about it, does anyone make fun of Batman? No. Ya know why? Because we all know that he’d beat the piss out of us.

Yet no one seems so concerned about Robin. Why? I dunno he’s out there kicking just as much ass, and while Bruce Wayne sits around getting rashes from various models Robin is at Gotham University improving his vocabulary and masturbating into a sock.

The only reason people make fun of Robin is because of how he dresses. He wears green booty shorts. I’ll admit that’s kind of odd, but if I saw someone swinging across the city from one skyscraper to the other I wouldn’t be mocking his fashion choices especially when he lands on top of a building and throws down with a bunch of gun toting criminals.

If George Washington wore green booty shorts wouldn’t he still be a hero of the revolutionary war? OK Maybe not.

Skeletor

Now Skeletor is a victim of his own undoing. He is always painted as this horrific being of evil, but the last episode I watched his evil plan was to disrupt King Randor’s birthday party. For those who aren’t aware who King Randor is, he’s He-Man’s dad. Now if I wanted to be feared and respected by all those in community of super villainy I wouldn’t be scheming ways to create a lethal version of pin the tail on the donkey. See Skeletor is over looked because he just sets the bar too low, and his ego allows him to think that his meanial schemes will eventually turn into horrific ordeals for those involved. I would maybe use my Havok Staff to blow up a school, or maybe hire better goons to do my bidding.

That’s another thing, he has the most retarded group of sidekicks around. There’s Merman, who can swim, Beastman who can control animals (what good is a bear gonna do against a tank stupid!), Evil Lynn whop is just a B-List sorceress, Triclops who has different shaped eyes, and not much else, and then my personal favourite . . . Trapjaw who interestingly enough has a mechanical arm that has a few different attatchments such as a grappling hook and even a cross bow!

Oh No! Trap jaw has a winch, he’s pulling a car out of a ditch! Run for your lives! Hey Skeletor maybe next time hire a guy with gun you moron!

The Predator 

Now most people don’t overlook the predator, he is after all a nine foot tall alien with dreds who uses a lazer to blow your chest apart and then rips your spine and skull for a keepsake to remember you by. But it’s kind of sad to think that after he flew across the Galaxy in his spaceship he was killed when a log fell on his head. OK I know he didn’t die until he blew himself up, but a log fell on his head! A log! They’re meant for rolling down stairs, alone or in pairs!

We also cannot ignore the fact a guy covered in mud taunted him for a day or two prior to the infamous log incident. Imagine telling that to your space commander. “Uh yeah, so I had my infared imager all geared up and ready to go, plus my auto homing lazer cannon, but then wouldn’t ya know, he found some mud and all hell broke loose.”

Samwise Gamgee

Now I’m a pretty adventurous guy. One time I order TWO teenburgers just because I wanted to see how much salmonella I could take in one sitting. I know, I had bowell problems for three days! Now as amazing as that sounds what if you went on a quest with your boss to destroy a magic ring in a volcano. It gets worse that volcano is in the middle of a desert that’s eternally covered in darkness and crawling with orcs and trolls and other such not nice monsters.

I know the odds of you having to deal with orcs is pretty slim so let’s just pretend their drunk frat boy losers with popped collars. They are kind of orcish, they always wanna fight people for acusing them of homosexuality, people don’t know that the reason orcs hate elves is that they think elves are gay. Plus, they’re basically an inferior version of your average human, just like orcs are a corrupted race of elves!

Anyways, so you go on this mythic quest and you basically save the entire planet. However then they make a movie of your adventure, they cast Rudy! Plus he spends more time spouting off cheesy homoerotic dialogue than he does . . . well not being overly femenine. Poor guy.

I haven’t been writing much as of late. I’ve been spending too much time on my couch killing prostitues and stealing cars. Yes; I am a victim of GTA4. It has stormed into my house, and hit the yellow button, thereby throwing me off my couch and sending me cascading into a timeless void, where all day I feel inclined to murder mobsters of varying stereotypical ethnic backgrounds. It’s fun.

Now you may be wondering why I would rather play video games than write stuff on my website. Well it’s pretty simple. Whene was the last time YOU gave me any money? Never. Unless you’re my mom. Since my mom has difficulty doing anything but check e-mail and play spider solitaire I sincerely doubt you’re her. (on the slim chance you ARE my mother, ahem . . . you’re the best with computers mom! remember when you hacked into NORAD and convinced Reagan that the world was being sent into nuclear armageddon? Ha Ha Ha those were good times.)

Well for your information I’ve made just under four hundred grand in the last month! That’s right I have proffitted close to four hundred grand in the last four weeks! That’s close to a hundred grand a week. Of course the money I make playing video games doesn’t really exist, but don’t tell that to the hookers I’ve been doing all week.

Do you wanna know how much I made last week from my “real” job? Well let me tell you, a lot less than that. Less than 1% of that. I tried convincing my girlfriend that she should just work while I stay at home and “regulate”. See there was a very hip rap fellow from the early ninties called Warren G. He did a song called “regulate” where not only does he sample a clip from Young Guns, but he also lays down some sweet rhymes on a fly beat. Needless to say she didn’t see the awesomeness in my plan. I even drew a sweet spider graph and everything but she didn’t budge on the topic.

Regulating is what I do for a living now. That song is my theme song when I walk into the living room. Am I gonna be killing a Russian mobster for being unneedingly cruel to my good friend Badman? I dunno! That’s the exciting part. Some times I just drive over people taking a stroll through “middle park”. Some might call this cruel, but I have it on a good source that most people in Liberty City are pedaphiles.

The other day I stole a helicopter and sat on top of a roof shooting hot dog vendors with a sniper rifle. I was only keeping people from eating junk food! Does this make me a bad person? No! I’m trying to make the world a better place! Well the world I care about. My fantasy video game world where I don’t have to pay taxes or bathe. Do you think I’d waste my time helping gross homeless people or anything? Ewwwwwww

So I tell you what. I’ll make an effort to pay more attention to my webiste provided you let me steal your car and drive over you a few times. Do we have a deal?

Life is full of conflict. Everywhere you turn people vie for supremacy. Be it a nerdy conflict or a legitimate conflict involving differing standards of morality and religious law. All are to be respected and mediated in an appropriate manner, and by appropriate I mean my opinion shall overturn any decision.

That is why in an effort to help you in you daily lives, I offer you you the solutions to five horriffic conflicts that affect us all on a daily basis.

5 - Shower or Bath

There are many factors that can make this decision obvious. First off if you’re gay, take a bath. This will make it easier to employ bath salts and candles, have you ever tried lighting a candle in the shower. It isn’t easy. I once tried to smoke a doober in the shower and it didn’t work very well at all.

However my observation of gay people tends to be that they enjoy being clean, not like we don’t all like being clean, but have you ever seen a rigger? Those guys always look dirty. Dirty like the girls that fuck them! ha ha ha ha ha nevermind, I would like to say that joke was inspired by the Union Hall.

But about the clean thing, it’s easier to stay clean when you shower and it is better for the environment. So with those factors in mind.

Always shower.

4 - Corn Flakes or Oatmeal

Unless you’re a character in a Charles Dickens novel, or one of those fake tanned juice pig douches that needs “MORE PROTIEN!” all the fucking time eat some corn flakes.

They’re easier to make and they have a rooster on the box. You know why they chose a rooster instead of lame athlete that throws a ball really fast or something.

Cause roosters have been known to kill athletes in their sleep. Seriously if your kid plays hockey don’t surprisaed if you go in there one night and find a rooster holding a pillow on their face.

Fucking roosters.

3 - Darth Vader or Aragorn

I know we’ve all been sitting around in our speedo’s and wondered who would swin in a fight. Aragorn from Lord of the Rings

or Darth Vader?

The thing is it’s an obvious choice because Darth Vader is a Sith Lord and will just use to Force to starngle Aragorn before he even whips out his bad ass elven sword.

However we should take a second to remember the fact that Aragorn is a friend of the elves and kind of related to them, it’s in the Silmarillion OK, but it’s for that reason you shouldn’t be surprised if he has some sort of enchanted ass plug that prevents Jedi and Sith from using the Force.

In which case Darth Vader would have to use his lightsaber and do battle with Aaragorn. Now you may be inclined to think that a lightsaber would hack through any sword.

You’d be right. That’s why Vader wins.

VADER ALWAYS WINS!

2 - CNN or FoxNews

It all depends on how much you read, and how inane you prefer your news to be. If you prefer to be told “how to think” rather than “what’s happening” maybe you should try CNN. If you’ve had a labotamy or enjoy watching horrific attempts at journalism with an “American Flag Waving Flair” then FoxNews is your cup of tea.

In all honesty both are equally moronic it’s just which flavour moronic you prefer. There’s is after all much to choose from.

If you enjoy vespid angry women take good old Nancy Grace on CNN she’s always talking about minorities and what bad parents they are, plus if there’s ever a case where a blonde white girl goes missing after being a whore at bar you can expect her to keep talking about it for months and months and months . . . “It’s day 468 of the Natalie Hollaway investigation, and apprently someone found a shoe that could belong to her.”

If you don’t know who natalie Hollaway is you obviously don’t watch enough Nancy Grace. After all she was still reporting on it over a year later. If you’re not white an d blonde feel free to give it a whirl (being white and blonde) it makes it easier to get on the news when you’re abducted.

1 - Reading or Buying a Dooley

For those who don’t know, a dooley is a truck with four tires instead of two. Here:

There you go. Now you’re probably wondering what these two have to do with each other, but after talking with some of the people that showed up to Paul Brown’s Record Breaker - The Rig Rocket (basically a bunch of guys that think having a big truck will cure their impotence, trying to win the praise of the equally inept for having the biggest tackiest and least economical vehicle) I have realized that clearly if you have a rig rocket you don’t read.

After all according to most of them, reading is for fags.

Seriously, please choose reading. Reading isn’t just for fags, it’s for everyone.

I have to say that all my life I’ve always thought of Burton Cummings as the epitome of a victim of cocain. This guy was in the Guess Who they got banned from the Whitehouse. That’s bad ass, not even Keith Richards was banned from the Whitehouse! Then he goes on to write a littany of the worst trash that has ever graced the airwaves!

Stand Tall? Shut up Burton Cummings! You sicken me! Your sweet stache however earns my respect.

Honorable Mention 1 - Bow

I don’t go to Whyte ave. Well I do during the day if I’m going to dadeo’s or something like that. But unless I’m going for work I won’t go at night. Why? I have an alergic reaction to douchebags. When I’m near a douchebag my immune system causes me to become rather irate. I get annoyed and find it difficult not to urinate on their shoes.

Behaviour like this isn’t good, cause it can:

a) get your ass kicked

b) make a mess and get on your own shoes

c) get you a ticket from the cops for indecent exposure

The other night one of my friends had an altercation on Whyte Ave in a bar witha major douche. I won’t mention what bar it is cause we do a lot of business there through the radio station, but what I will mention is how important bar security is and how brutal the security there is.

My buddy Deener saw a girl on the verge of being raped in the middle of the bar. The guy was dragging her off into the corner and trying to do who knows what to her. Bear in mind this is INSIDE the bar and there is no security anyhwere. So Deener steps in and drags the girl away. Fortunatly the guy didn’t freak out off the bat and shank anyone, but don’t worry. We’ll get to people bringing knives into the bar later on.

The night moved on and this guy (who by the way was wearing a wolf shirt . . . yes a shirt with a wolf on it) came over to Deener and the group she was with and started trying to fight everyone. You know the guy, he didn’t get laid and so now he’s bent on trying to fight every person in the bar so that everyone else can feel as annoyed as he does.

Fortunately none of the poeple with my dear buddy Deener are prone to fisticuffs. They use an ancient technique known as “talking” to solve their problems. In fact “talking your problems over” as the habbit is known is a great way of solving conflicts without hurting each other, you might remember this from when you were a child and you did something wrong. Remember how your dad didn’t punch you in the face when you didn’t know how to tie your shoe? See that’s because punching you in the fact wouoldn’t have helped the situation.

However in some sort of strange way this guy felt that fighting a bunch of people trying to have a good night would increase his odds of getting his penis inside of a vagina.  I really don’t see the logic train on this one, but who needs logic when you’re high on blow and wanting to punch someone?

So no one wanted to fight the guy, and you’d think everything was gonna be peachy keen, however that’s just not the case. Ya see in outer space two objects will naturally attract themselves to each other. Assholes in a bar are no different. They tend to attarct other assholes. This time it happened to be a lovely gentleman with a knife. It’s not enough that he snuck a knife into the bar. But he felt the need to declare it Deener and her friends, then ask one of them if they, “wanted to die”.

Yeah he threatened to stab them. Since he was extra tough he grabbed the smallest guy in the group by the throat and tried to drag him out to the dance floor to insert c’est knife into his stomach.  Fortunately the group opted to grab their friend and leave.

At this point the guy with the knife, or as we shall call him from now on “Captain Stabby” decided to follow them to the coatcheck. Ya see he stood there just waiting for them to leave so he could take his desire to proove how macho he was outside.

Now you would think at one point in all this security would have gotten involved and doen something, but that’s just not the case. Nothing was done. So Deener and company just went to the car so they could just go home, having had their evening ruined by a guy who probably didn’t eat enough vegetables as a child. However when they got to the car they realized they were one short. Namely the wee-est member of the group who was almost drug onto the dancefloor and stabbed.

Naturally there was a bit of tension in the car until they saw him running towards the car. The door was opend and he said, “let’s get the fuck out of here.”

It turned out captain Stabby had followed him outside and began chasing him with his knife. This was happening ON Whyte Ave. The guy schased him into an alley with his knife in hand. Fortunatley our wee friend was fleet of foot and able to get away and criss cross through various alleys until he found his way back to the car.

See I stay away from Whyte becasue of stories like these. Stories that you won’t see in the newspaper. Stories that happen every single night on Whyte ave. Fortunately for me I don’t have to worry about Saturdays cause I’m always at Union Hall. I work there on Saturdays, and stuff like this never happens there. I’ve been working there for three years and the  worst thing I’ve ever seen was a woman who looked pregnant in the wet t.

So if you want to avoid getting shanked by a douchbag on Whyte come to 99th and Argyle.